When Life Falls Apart - Part 1

Almost 4 years ago life as I knew it fell apart. On the surface my marriage of 7 years looked great but inside it had never been what marriage was truly meant to be. Many wrongs on my part and some on my husband’s kept it from ever reaching the level that God designed marriage to be. Wrong mindsets, insecurities, and fear controlled everything within me.

 I have went to church my entire life and had accepted Christ as a child. I never had a real rebellion growing up. I listened to my parents for the most part. I didn’t party, drink or do drugs. I saved myself for marriage and have only ever kissed one man (who ended up being my husband). I knew lots of what the Bible says and I knew right from wrong. What I didn’t realize is how crucial thoughts are in life and how little compromises and justifications are a BIG deal, even if you don’t realize it right away.

 One day everything came to a head. Some truths were revealed in our marriage and it looked like we were headed for divorce. This sounds like such a simple and calm statement, but this is not how it was. There was instant shock, screaming, crying, begging, and so much more. Our 4 year old and 1 year old daughters were at home with us. My husband had seemed to make up his mind and I was scared. I called my mom crying and she spoke with my mother-in-law and almost instantly they were both over trying to help sort out the problem. This is a very unfair place to put other people in your life because most of the time in the heat of the moment they can’t help either. They did take our girls out of the house for the day so we could meet with our former pastor.

 The next several months were a constant battle and even in the years following. To be honest at this point there are still things that I am trying to work through and fix. I’m crying as I type this thinking back on the all the hurt that I have caused (and experienced) in our marriage and the things that we put our children through with our fighting and instability. There were nights that our family of 4 stayed with my in-laws even though our house is not even 10 minutes from where they lived. We just couldn’t handle being by ourselves and the thought of other people in the house was helpful.

 In the middle of it there was a time when our good times were great and our bad times were horrible. We were both reading a chapter from faith-based marriage books every day and discussing what we read every night. We were starting to focus more on our own behavior and less on what the other person was doing for us. But we went in cycles and little truths kept revealing themselves which kept putting us back into the fighting and struggle. I feel that God was protecting us by not having everything come pouring out all at once because it would have been too much for both of us to handle and we might not have decided to stick it out.

From what I have learned since, most marriages go through similar things. Some couples have worse happen to them and other problems aren’t so big. Other couples have life fall apart for reasons other than marriage problems; maybe the loss of a child, bankruptcy, drugs or drinking, abuse, and a bunch of other sin issues. I think we might have handled our problems worse than others, but I do know that there are other people who go through similar situations.

 It seems like life stops in its tracks! You can’t focus on or think about anything else. You can’t force yourself to care about things that you use to. You hate fake talking with friends and family who don’t know what you are going through because you just don’t care what they are saying. It makes you mad that other people are just living life like normal. You don’t eat. You don’t sleep. You don’t pay bills. You spend money you shouldn't. You don’t clean your house. You don’t pay attention to your children. You can barely function at work. You can’t look strangers in the eye. You just want to sit in the dark and hide. No matter what advice and hope is offered, you can’t see a way out of it. You feel hopeless, lost, and alone. Like no one knows what you are going through. You feel like you will never be better again.

 

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."                            

 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

I slowly started to see that through it there was only one thing that was constant. It wasn't me, my husband, our pastor or counselor, friends or family; it was God! I started to see that I needed to focus on him more and more and my problem less.

In Part 2 and 3 I will share more of how to make it through when life falls apart.

God's Sense of Humor

For the past two years I have felt this annoying nudge inside of me that it was time for me to step out and lead a study for wives at my church. I used every excuse to not follow this nudge for at least two years! First it was that I was too busy and I wouldn't be able to keep up on everything else I needed to do. Then it was that my marriage had been on the brink of divorce not even 4 years ago and who was I to lead anything or give advice to other women. Then my fear of other women not liking me jumped in the way. It was one thing after another.

Finally I took the step and contacted the church office to have the group I was starting added to the bulletin. I wanted to go through the book, Becoming the Woman of His Dreams, by Sharon Jaynes. This book was eye opening and helped me to become a better wife through the worst time in my marriage. It is a book that I think every wife or wife-to-be should read. So I gave the office manager the description and the next week I saw the study group listed in the bulletin. The description wasn't worded the same as what I had said and I realized before the group started that it mentioned it was for "Women" but made no mention of "marriage" or "wives". I was nervous before the first meeting. There were several women that had signed up for the group and even though I have attended this church for my whole life I didn't recognize their names. My husband assured me that the group would go well and the right women would be there who needed to be.

Well as my group started and we introduced ourselves and I introduced the book we made an amusing discovery. Not one woman knew the book was about marriage. Two of the women were divorced and the other woman was filling in for her mom who was at the hospital with her grandmother. Luckily this woman was married, but her mom who signed up for the group was divorced as well. As we started a small discussion another woman showed up and was laughing as she told us how she explained to her adult daughter that she was going to a study called Becoming the Woman of His Dreams, and it definitely wasn't about her dad. She was surprised as I laughed and told her, "actually it is".

The title of the book and the description from the bulletin had implied to the women that this was a group about becoming who God designed us to be. I didn't even know what to think as I went home that night, but one of the divorced women had offered to bring a dessert the following week so I assumed she would be coming back. Well the group continued and it went amazing. By the end there were some weeks where it ended up being me and two other women (one who was divorced and the one who didn't think the group had been about husbands). We grew comfortable with each other and were able to share openly and begin working through healing and support on issues from damaged/failed marriages. We found areas that we needed to change in our lives and faced the truth about the way as wives we should be in marriage. We focused on ourselves and supported each other. And when we finished the study, we started another that we chose together, Battlefield of the Mind, by Joyce Meyer.

The women shared over the two studies that they had been skeptical in the beginning about what they could learn from a group leader who was half their age and had only been married 10 years. But they found as the study continued that age and years married didn't matter. Through the trials that my husband and I have faced in our marriage and the studying that I did to dig out of the hole we were in filled me with experience, advice, and encouragement that I could offer to others. And I am learning so much from these women who have grown children (while mine are still young) and have been, or had been, married longer then me. They thanked me for following God's prompting to start the study.

Through this experience I was reminded that God uses cracked pots and that I didn't need to have all the answers and be perfect to be used. One of my favorite verses is 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." Throughout the past 4 years I have received so much comfort from God and I should not be holding that in, but passing it along.

My husband was right, the right women did show up to the group, even if they were tricked into coming!

A Fun Wife

 

 

There we were sitting by the water, eating dinner, and talking. No interruptions. No having to cut up food into tiny pieces. No having to run to the restroom multiple times with each child. No having to get up a million times to pick up a sippy cup or toy that has been thrown down.  It was just me and my husband sitting down to an enjoyable dinner out.

We had traveled from Michigan to Florida for a family reunion and while on vacation we left our three young daughters with their grandparents and headed out on a date. At home we used babysitters typically to watch our girls while we worked, but rarely did we take the time out of our busy lives to date each other. We sat there sharing our appetizer, looking at each other, and enjoying the sunset as the refreshing breeze came in off the water.  I was glad that I had taken the time to put on a sundress, do my makeup, and leave my hair down the way my husband likes.

As we sat there across from each other something wonderful began to happen. We began to talk to each other. And not the typical “how was your day” or “guess what the kids did today” kind of conversation. We began to really share and dream with each other. We started discussing what we wanted to see in the future, where we would live if we could muster up the courage to move away from home, what business ideas we would like to start. We were really listening to each other and being open with our ideas and thoughts. We laughed with each other and enjoyed each other’s company. It was a wonderful night and rejuvenated us for heading back at the end of the night to all the other roles that we fill each day.

We have heard the advice to have a date night every week. As much as we want to make that happen, the reality is that my husband and I have allowed life and busyness to get in the way. But on those days when we do sneak away for a chance to be just husband and wife again, I am always reminded of the importance. On our last date we enjoyed a night of dinner and laughing. When we left the restaurant my husband commented on how great it was that I had become his “fun wife” for the night instead of being “mommy”. It was the best compliment I had received in a while and it was a great reminder of what my husband needs from me… a fun and supportive wife, not a mommy.

Focus T-25 Update

Well I am starting the 8th week of Focus T-25 today! I still am enjoying the workouts. It is so much easier to fit in a 25 minute workout each day then the hour that Insanity or P90x required. So far I have lost 2 pounds (which puts me in my ideal weight range), 1.5 inches from my belly and 1/2 inch from my butt! While the numbers aren't huge I can tell a huge difference in the way my body feels and I can feel things getting tighter and stronger as I go! I would definitely recommend the program.

Healthy & Cheap Snack Options for Car Trip to Disney

 

Our family of 5 is headed to Disney World at the beginning of August!! We love our Disney trips - this will be our 5th trip since November 2010. One of the things I look forward to about a vacation is the food! We work hard to plan and budget before we leave home so when the car pulls out of the driveway we can relax and enjoy. When at home we pick the cheaper options when eating out, don't go to many restaurants, and shop the sale ads at grocery stores. When we go on vacation I like to splurge on my food! This is why I love the Disney dining plan. We pay ahead of time for our meal plan (well on our other 4 trips we had FREE dining) and then we can choose whatever our hearts desire at each meal instead of looking at prices.

However, we have a 22 hour car ride before we reach Disney; and that is if we drive straight through, which we're not. So this year I am working to find healthier options for us to snack on while we are in the car. Our youngest is 2.5 which can mean for some pretty messy eating in the car. So far some of my ideas are:

• Pretzel rods
• String cheese (probably only the first day because of cooler issues)
• Trail mix
• Apple Slices

Last year I heard a great tip for apple slices which made the school year lunch packing so much easier for my oldest daughter.

1. Take an apple slicer (can use a knife but it's faster with the slicer) and push almost through the apple but pull the slicer back out of the apple instead of pushing through the bottom.
2. Keeping the slices together on the core wrap the apple in plastic wrap.
3. When snack or lunch time comes your child can easily pull the slices away from the core and the slices won't be brown and gross

I am thinking of doing this as a way to bring some fruit into the parks with us that the girls can eat easy while waiting in line. I am also considering trying to make some homemade protein bars, but I haven't found a recipe yet.

My daughters also like s'mores in a bag - which isn't completely healthy, but it is fun to eat. We put teddy grahams, mini marshmallows, and chocolate chips in a snack bag and shake them up!

If you have any suggestions for more snack options in the car I would love to hear them!

Big Picture Living

The mosquitoes around my area are HORRIBLE right now! You can't walk from the door of your house to your car without being swarmed. I was in the grocery store the other day and the workers were talking about how they had to spray themselves with bug spray because so many were getting into the store. Every time you open your car door, no matter how fast you go, some come in with you.

Well the other day I was driving and noticed a mosquito flying around my windshield. I thought it would be easy enough to hit the bug thus eliminating one more chance of being bitten. Boy, was I wrong. I tried so many times. I kept trying to hit it and my hand just couldn't land flat on the sloped windshield when I needed it to. After several tries I noticed that I was starting to cross over to the opposite side of the road (luckily I was on a back road with no other vehicles). I realized that I had to stop focusing on killing the mosquito because it was getting in the way of my driving.

As I continued driving I began to think about how that relates to my life at times. I was so focused on that little problem on my windshield that I didn't see anything else that was on the other side of that piece of glass. I could have went off the road or caused an accident because I was focused on one little thing and I was missing the rest of what I should have been seeing and focused on. There have been many times in life where I get so focused on something and I think about it so hard. I try to figure out how to fix it, how to change it, how to make it better... I focus on it so much that I cannot see past it. While I am doing this I am missing the rest of life. I am missing all of the good things happening. I am missing all of the blessings God has provided me. I am not enjoying my husband and children like I should be. I might even miss the solution to the problem because I am so focused on thinking about the problem.

This can happen very easily with hurt. At times I can become so focused on hurt events from the past that I miss out on life. I want the people who hurt me to make it better. I want to feel better. I want life to be perfect. I focus so much on the hurt that I miss that life is going on all around me. I miss the moments I could be laughing and playing with my kids. At one point several years ago my husband and I were working through some problems and we let all of life pretty much go. We were so focused on our problems that our daughters didn't get the attention they deserved, we didn't eat or sleep properly, and we were not responsible with keeping the house in order like it should be or our budget in line. We felt like life stopped, but in reality life was moving along and we were missing it because we were not living the Big Picture life.

God calls us to live better then this. We all have problems in life. Some are big and some little. Some are little but feel big. But through God we can keep living the Big Picture life. We don't have to focus on our problems in an unhealthy way. Yes, at times we do need to spend time focusing on fixing/correcting a problem. But when we become unbalanced and the problem is all we see then we have crossed the line of where God wants us to be. Don't focus on your mosquito so hard that you miss the world that is all around it.

Psalm 43:5 says, "Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within in? Put your hope I God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God." Even when life is going rough, we need to remember to hope in the Lord. 1 Peter 5:6-7 tells us to, "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."

Marriage Lesson from Country Music

A while ago I was listening to the song "Like My Dog" by Billy Currington and it got me thinking about loving my husband. The song seems silly and fun when you listen to it, but when you really break it down it can give you a good understanding of what your husband wants from you"

"He never tells me that he's sick of this house, He never says why don't you get off that couch? He don't cost me nothing when he wants to go out, I want you to love me like my dog."

Ok, we can either look at this as a lazy man who doesn't want to invest effort into anything or we can look at it and see that our husbands would love for us to show that we are content with what we have, not be demanding, and to spend time with them. When my husband is sitting on the couch where is our dog? Right next to him and enjoying the time by his side. This is where I could choose to be as well, enjoying time relaxing with my husband (dishes can wait).

"He never says I need a new attitude, Him and my sister ain't always in a feud, When I leave the seat up he don't think that it's rude, I want you to love like my dog does baby."

Again if we take a moment to look past the basics we can see that our husbands don't want us to judge them and try to change them. They want us to try to get along with their family. They want us to not take everything personal (leaving the seat up isn't a personal attack on us).

"When I get home I want you to just go crazy, He never looks at me like he might hate me, I want you to love me like my dog"

When my husband gets home our dog is so excited. From the second that he can hear the truck in the driveway he is running to the door and waiting with anticipation for my husband to come in. He runs circles waiting and just can't wait to see him. How often do you meet your husband at the door when he comes home? And not waiting to start listing off your problems of the day or his to do list, but to give him a kiss and let him know you are excited that he is home. The second thing is that we need to pay attention to what our body language says to our husband. I can definitely think of some looks I have given my husband that don't communicate love.

"He don't play dead when I wanna pet him, I want you to love me like my dog does honey"

Ok, there shouldn't need to be much explanation on this one... our husbands want us to respond sexually to him. Not make excuses or be "too tired". My dog has never turned down a time when my husband wants to pet him and on top of that, he makes an effort to get my husband to pet him. Enough said.

"He never says 'I wish you made more money', He always thinks that pull my finger is funny, I want you to love me like my dog."

Our husbands desire to provide for us. We need to be content and not demanding more. We need to relax and not be so uptight about things. Our husbands are different from us, and thank the Lord that they are, because two of us wouldn't make for a great marriage.

I asked my husband if he agreed with this song and he said, "Well yeah, that's why they call him man's best friend". I challenge you to love your husband this way.