When Life Falls Apart - Part 1

Almost 4 years ago life as I knew it fell apart. On the surface my marriage of 7 years looked great but inside it had never been what marriage was truly meant to be. Many wrongs on my part and some on my husband’s kept it from ever reaching the level that God designed marriage to be. Wrong mindsets, insecurities, and fear controlled everything within me.

 I have went to church my entire life and had accepted Christ as a child. I never had a real rebellion growing up. I listened to my parents for the most part. I didn’t party, drink or do drugs. I saved myself for marriage and have only ever kissed one man (who ended up being my husband). I knew lots of what the Bible says and I knew right from wrong. What I didn’t realize is how crucial thoughts are in life and how little compromises and justifications are a BIG deal, even if you don’t realize it right away.

 One day everything came to a head. Some truths were revealed in our marriage and it looked like we were headed for divorce. This sounds like such a simple and calm statement, but this is not how it was. There was instant shock, screaming, crying, begging, and so much more. Our 4 year old and 1 year old daughters were at home with us. My husband had seemed to make up his mind and I was scared. I called my mom crying and she spoke with my mother-in-law and almost instantly they were both over trying to help sort out the problem. This is a very unfair place to put other people in your life because most of the time in the heat of the moment they can’t help either. They did take our girls out of the house for the day so we could meet with our former pastor.

 The next several months were a constant battle and even in the years following. To be honest at this point there are still things that I am trying to work through and fix. I’m crying as I type this thinking back on the all the hurt that I have caused (and experienced) in our marriage and the things that we put our children through with our fighting and instability. There were nights that our family of 4 stayed with my in-laws even though our house is not even 10 minutes from where they lived. We just couldn’t handle being by ourselves and the thought of other people in the house was helpful.

 In the middle of it there was a time when our good times were great and our bad times were horrible. We were both reading a chapter from faith-based marriage books every day and discussing what we read every night. We were starting to focus more on our own behavior and less on what the other person was doing for us. But we went in cycles and little truths kept revealing themselves which kept putting us back into the fighting and struggle. I feel that God was protecting us by not having everything come pouring out all at once because it would have been too much for both of us to handle and we might not have decided to stick it out.

From what I have learned since, most marriages go through similar things. Some couples have worse happen to them and other problems aren’t so big. Other couples have life fall apart for reasons other than marriage problems; maybe the loss of a child, bankruptcy, drugs or drinking, abuse, and a bunch of other sin issues. I think we might have handled our problems worse than others, but I do know that there are other people who go through similar situations.

 It seems like life stops in its tracks! You can’t focus on or think about anything else. You can’t force yourself to care about things that you use to. You hate fake talking with friends and family who don’t know what you are going through because you just don’t care what they are saying. It makes you mad that other people are just living life like normal. You don’t eat. You don’t sleep. You don’t pay bills. You spend money you shouldn't. You don’t clean your house. You don’t pay attention to your children. You can barely function at work. You can’t look strangers in the eye. You just want to sit in the dark and hide. No matter what advice and hope is offered, you can’t see a way out of it. You feel hopeless, lost, and alone. Like no one knows what you are going through. You feel like you will never be better again.

 

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."                            

 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

I slowly started to see that through it there was only one thing that was constant. It wasn't me, my husband, our pastor or counselor, friends or family; it was God! I started to see that I needed to focus on him more and more and my problem less.

In Part 2 and 3 I will share more of how to make it through when life falls apart.

God's Sense of Humor

For the past two years I have felt this annoying nudge inside of me that it was time for me to step out and lead a study for wives at my church. I used every excuse to not follow this nudge for at least two years! First it was that I was too busy and I wouldn't be able to keep up on everything else I needed to do. Then it was that my marriage had been on the brink of divorce not even 4 years ago and who was I to lead anything or give advice to other women. Then my fear of other women not liking me jumped in the way. It was one thing after another.

Finally I took the step and contacted the church office to have the group I was starting added to the bulletin. I wanted to go through the book, Becoming the Woman of His Dreams, by Sharon Jaynes. This book was eye opening and helped me to become a better wife through the worst time in my marriage. It is a book that I think every wife or wife-to-be should read. So I gave the office manager the description and the next week I saw the study group listed in the bulletin. The description wasn't worded the same as what I had said and I realized before the group started that it mentioned it was for "Women" but made no mention of "marriage" or "wives". I was nervous before the first meeting. There were several women that had signed up for the group and even though I have attended this church for my whole life I didn't recognize their names. My husband assured me that the group would go well and the right women would be there who needed to be.

Well as my group started and we introduced ourselves and I introduced the book we made an amusing discovery. Not one woman knew the book was about marriage. Two of the women were divorced and the other woman was filling in for her mom who was at the hospital with her grandmother. Luckily this woman was married, but her mom who signed up for the group was divorced as well. As we started a small discussion another woman showed up and was laughing as she told us how she explained to her adult daughter that she was going to a study called Becoming the Woman of His Dreams, and it definitely wasn't about her dad. She was surprised as I laughed and told her, "actually it is".

The title of the book and the description from the bulletin had implied to the women that this was a group about becoming who God designed us to be. I didn't even know what to think as I went home that night, but one of the divorced women had offered to bring a dessert the following week so I assumed she would be coming back. Well the group continued and it went amazing. By the end there were some weeks where it ended up being me and two other women (one who was divorced and the one who didn't think the group had been about husbands). We grew comfortable with each other and were able to share openly and begin working through healing and support on issues from damaged/failed marriages. We found areas that we needed to change in our lives and faced the truth about the way as wives we should be in marriage. We focused on ourselves and supported each other. And when we finished the study, we started another that we chose together, Battlefield of the Mind, by Joyce Meyer.

The women shared over the two studies that they had been skeptical in the beginning about what they could learn from a group leader who was half their age and had only been married 10 years. But they found as the study continued that age and years married didn't matter. Through the trials that my husband and I have faced in our marriage and the studying that I did to dig out of the hole we were in filled me with experience, advice, and encouragement that I could offer to others. And I am learning so much from these women who have grown children (while mine are still young) and have been, or had been, married longer then me. They thanked me for following God's prompting to start the study.

Through this experience I was reminded that God uses cracked pots and that I didn't need to have all the answers and be perfect to be used. One of my favorite verses is 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." Throughout the past 4 years I have received so much comfort from God and I should not be holding that in, but passing it along.

My husband was right, the right women did show up to the group, even if they were tricked into coming!