When Life Falls Apart - Part 1

Almost 4 years ago life as I knew it fell apart. On the surface my marriage of 7 years looked great but inside it had never been what marriage was truly meant to be. Many wrongs on my part and some on my husband’s kept it from ever reaching the level that God designed marriage to be. Wrong mindsets, insecurities, and fear controlled everything within me.

 I have went to church my entire life and had accepted Christ as a child. I never had a real rebellion growing up. I listened to my parents for the most part. I didn’t party, drink or do drugs. I saved myself for marriage and have only ever kissed one man (who ended up being my husband). I knew lots of what the Bible says and I knew right from wrong. What I didn’t realize is how crucial thoughts are in life and how little compromises and justifications are a BIG deal, even if you don’t realize it right away.

 One day everything came to a head. Some truths were revealed in our marriage and it looked like we were headed for divorce. This sounds like such a simple and calm statement, but this is not how it was. There was instant shock, screaming, crying, begging, and so much more. Our 4 year old and 1 year old daughters were at home with us. My husband had seemed to make up his mind and I was scared. I called my mom crying and she spoke with my mother-in-law and almost instantly they were both over trying to help sort out the problem. This is a very unfair place to put other people in your life because most of the time in the heat of the moment they can’t help either. They did take our girls out of the house for the day so we could meet with our former pastor.

 The next several months were a constant battle and even in the years following. To be honest at this point there are still things that I am trying to work through and fix. I’m crying as I type this thinking back on the all the hurt that I have caused (and experienced) in our marriage and the things that we put our children through with our fighting and instability. There were nights that our family of 4 stayed with my in-laws even though our house is not even 10 minutes from where they lived. We just couldn’t handle being by ourselves and the thought of other people in the house was helpful.

 In the middle of it there was a time when our good times were great and our bad times were horrible. We were both reading a chapter from faith-based marriage books every day and discussing what we read every night. We were starting to focus more on our own behavior and less on what the other person was doing for us. But we went in cycles and little truths kept revealing themselves which kept putting us back into the fighting and struggle. I feel that God was protecting us by not having everything come pouring out all at once because it would have been too much for both of us to handle and we might not have decided to stick it out.

From what I have learned since, most marriages go through similar things. Some couples have worse happen to them and other problems aren’t so big. Other couples have life fall apart for reasons other than marriage problems; maybe the loss of a child, bankruptcy, drugs or drinking, abuse, and a bunch of other sin issues. I think we might have handled our problems worse than others, but I do know that there are other people who go through similar situations.

 It seems like life stops in its tracks! You can’t focus on or think about anything else. You can’t force yourself to care about things that you use to. You hate fake talking with friends and family who don’t know what you are going through because you just don’t care what they are saying. It makes you mad that other people are just living life like normal. You don’t eat. You don’t sleep. You don’t pay bills. You spend money you shouldn't. You don’t clean your house. You don’t pay attention to your children. You can barely function at work. You can’t look strangers in the eye. You just want to sit in the dark and hide. No matter what advice and hope is offered, you can’t see a way out of it. You feel hopeless, lost, and alone. Like no one knows what you are going through. You feel like you will never be better again.

 

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."                            

 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

I slowly started to see that through it there was only one thing that was constant. It wasn't me, my husband, our pastor or counselor, friends or family; it was God! I started to see that I needed to focus on him more and more and my problem less.

In Part 2 and 3 I will share more of how to make it through when life falls apart.